Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and realize you are in a horror movie? They are the worst, especially if it’s a low-budget, B-movie. Without proper horror movie survival skills, you might not make it out alive. Though, you might make it out undead. This Halloween, learn these basic horror movie survival tips so you can be prepared for any thrillers thrown your way.
Avoid Maine at All Costs
Do not be fooled by their cheerful New England postcards or their nickname as “Vacationland.” Maine is a terrifying state where Steven King bases many of his novels.
If you already live in Maine, our condolences. Your only hope for survival is to avoid red balloons, storm drains, pets raised from the dead, dogs named Cujo, proms with telekinetic girls, and anyone with the initials R.F.
Pay Attention to Background Music
First of all, if you can hear background music, that’s a bad sign. If you find yourself walking to a room and the music changes from light and cheerful to something dark and sinister, that’s a really, really bad sign. Think of it as a game of hot and cold, where if you are hot, you’re dead.
Keep in mind that relying on ominous background music to warn you of danger doesn’t work in all situations. Some modern horror movies use popular songs to lull you into a false sense of safety, e.g.: “Tiptoe Through the Tulips.”
Believe in Local Superstitions
When considering going on a camping trip, buying a new home, or visiting a medieval castle in Transylvania, observe the locals. Do they mention anything about local disappearances or possible hauntings? How about mysterious legends? Perhaps they could say something subtly cryptic, like “Welcome to Maine.”
If you suspect the locals are uneasy, especially in Maine, change plans immediately. Do something less dangerous, like hiding out in your underground bunker. In general, trust the locals, unless they repeatedly say, “The greater good.”
Stay in Groups
If you and some friends unluckily wander into a horror movie, stay together. Don’t go off to look for help on your own. Don’t leave to investigate a strange noise. This isn’t a groovy mystery, so don’t split up the gang and look for clues. Monsters always target the person who wanders off first.
If you are alone or must leave the group because they are all zombies, vampires, etc., use personal protective equipment. Consider carrying an assortment of flashlights, chainsaws, holy water, garlic, silver, the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, and other necessities.
Identify the Monster
Your PPE will only be effective when used against the correct monster. Garlic may stop a vampire, but to a werewolf, it is an excellent garnish. As soon as possible, discover what variety of beastie you may encounter.
Keep in mind that not all monsters will respond to the traditional protective methods. If the vampire glitters and resembles a boy-band reject, the wooden stake through the heart may not be effective. We suggest providing an unenthusiastic, moody teenage girl to distract said sparkly vampire.
Trust No One
In a horror movie, anyone could be a monster. Watch for clues, such as spontaneous lightning when they say something ominous, the color red appearing only near them, or if they tell you they are from Maine*. Maniacal laughter is also a good indicator, especially if no one told a joke.
If you are in a movie directed by M. Night Shyamalan, beware. The monster could be you. Plot twist!
Helpful Horror Movie Survival Trainings
If you find yourself in need of horror movie survival assistance, Safety Provisions and Hard Hat Training offer a variety of trainings to make sure you’ll make it to the sequel. You can find the following at our website:
For that pesky dead that just won’t stop walking, we recommend our Chainsaw Training.
Tired of falling and twisting your ankle when being chased by a killer? Try our Slips, Trips, and Falls Training.
If one of your coworkers has joined the legions of the undead, know what to do with our Violence in the Workplace Training.
If that vampire keeps bothering you about necking, you might need to look at our Sexual Harassment Training.
Our Ergonomics Training is perfect for anyone who must lie in a crypt for an extended period of time.
Stay tuned for our upcoming release: Holy Grail Questing Safety.** This training will cover proper coconut maintenance, basic swallow workload capacities, and common hazards associated with the Dreaded Beast of Arrrggghhh!
Good luck, stay safe, and Happy Halloween!
*We apologize to anyone from Maine who was offended by our jokes. Just know that it’s not you, it’s Stephen King.
**Due to unforeseen circumstances, the Holy Grail Questing Safety training will be delayed until further notice.